Phil-Osophies

• Sarcasm is irritating and unsettling and should be used frequently.
• Save a dollar a day and some day you'll be sorry it wasn't two dollars.
• If you say something stupid and no one disagrees, then you know you're the boss.
• Variety is the spice of divorce.
• An egotist is a disgusting, low person who is more interested in himself than he is in me.
• The better the opportunity appears to be, the more likely it is that you don't know all the facts.
• If everyone agrees with me I reconsider.
• Sometimes it is necessary to repeat yourself to make a point. Sometimes.
• Just because you call the shots doesn't mean you're at the right end of the barrel.
• We only owe our children two things: love and hope.
• Never repress anything but your pants.
• Iíd rather be lonely alone than lonely with somebody else.
• I DO understand youóthatís the problem.
• Always take the road less traveled--unless itís through Gary, Indiana.
• If you want to make someone hate you, explain to them, logically and politely, why they are wrong.
• I wash and wear the pants in my family.
• It is dangerous to be right when the boss is wrong.
• I can handle criticism so long as it isnít about me.
• When the heart is full, the head is empty.
• The two most common reasons for losing are: not knowing you're competing in the first place, and not knowing with whom you really are competing.
• We're all a little nearsighted and must take a step back to see things more clearly.
• The best way to kill someone's enthusiasm is to tell them "yes".
• Shit in a giftbox is still shit.
• When your competitionís sleeping, itís best to tiptoe bye.
• You can make your own omelet: either scramble your brains with drugs and alcohol, or just keep your sunny side up.
• Thank God there are only 10 Commandments!
• I don't mind sleeping on an empty stomach so long as it isn't my own.
• Life is only in balance if you play as hard as you work.
• If you stop to consider all the options before you act, you will always know what to do next time.
• "Tact" is when the mind says, "Go to hell!" but the mouth says, "Hope to see you again, real soon."
• Listen to your heart, but use your brain when you open your mouth.
• Don't come on too strong when you hold the winning hand or you'll find yourself playing solitaire.
• The biggest problem with stupid people is they don't know it.
• Friendship, love, success...you can have each only to the extent you are willing to compromise the other two.
• Being worse is no excuse for losing.
• The only thing you can be sure of in New York is death in taxis.
• The stepping stones of life are often made of flesh.
• There are two kinds of people in this world: dumb people; really dumb people; and really, really dumb people.
• There's nothing wrong with promiscuity that a fatal disease wouldn't cure.
• If everyone likes you, you must be doing something wrong.
• There are many ways to measure success, but only one you can spend.
• Spare the rod.
• The only people you should admit your transgressions to are your great, great grandchildren.
• Peace of mind grows in my garden.
• The deeper the thought the more I want a beer.
• You can't win if he has nothing to lose.
• If you don't laugh at yourself once in a while, others will.
• Love goes without saying.
• If you can't find the tune, it's classical. If you find it and lose it, it's jazz.
• What you are is more important than who you are.
• Being divorced means knowing how to maintain a rejection.
• Even your favorite dessert tastes bitter if it's shoved down your throat.
• If success does not buy happiness, what's the point of being happy?
• There's an inverse relationship between availability and desirability.
• If you want people to remember you, tell them something really interesting about them.
• If you canít beat 'em, don't play 'em.
• "Thank you, I would like a banana," is the most you should tell your competitor.
• You are where you eat.
• No matter what the subject, be passionate about it, or forget it.
• An empty closet is the devilís playground.
• Pulling your weight is smarter than pushing your luck.
• If you don't love yourself neither will anyone else.
• Honesty is the best foreplay.
• All I want is someone to hold me. And pay me for it.