The Parenthesis of Job Postings

“Competitive Salary”
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

“Join our fast-paced company”
We have no time to train you.

“Casual work atmosphere”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Some overtime required”
Some every night and some every weekend.

“Duties will vary”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Must have an eye for detail”
We have no quality assurance.

“Career-minded”
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“Apply in person”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told that the position has been filled.

“Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience”
You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

“Problem-solving skills a must”
You’re walking into perpetual chaos.

“Requires team leadership skills”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“Good communication skills”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte

And from those he created the Word.

And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big… And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows.

And God said - It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?

And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless–since Windows could replace it.

So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.

And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him–What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered–I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!

And God said to Bill - Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.

And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

She was so blond...

…she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate”.

…she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

…she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

…she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON'T WALK”.

…she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

…she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

…she sat on the TV and watched the couch.

…she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

…she tried to drown a fish.

…she thought a quarterback was a refund.

…she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

…if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you’d get change back.

…they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

…under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics”.

…she tripped over a cordless phone.

…she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

…at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”.. she put “Sagittarius”.

…she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

…it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

…if she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless.

…she studied for a blood test …and failed.

…she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

…she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

…she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

…she sold the car for gas money.

…when she saw the “NC-17″ (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

…when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

…she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

…when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

…when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home.

Office Vs Prison

IN PRISON - you spend the majority of your time in an 10x10 foot cell.
IN OFFICE - spend the majority of your time in an 8x8 foot cubicle.

IN PRISON - you get three meals a day.
IN OFFICE - you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON - you get time off for good behavior.
IN OFFICE

IN PRISON - all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
IN OFFICE - you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON - you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
IN OFFICE - you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON - you must deal with sadistic wardens.
IN OFFICE - they are called managers.

Stuff White People Like

LMAO

MJ for ADHD and ADD